Into the West

I can't sleep. At night. I could sleep all day though, which I know is both a symptom and a cause. It's just that the minute I lay down, my thoughts go into overdrive. What ifs, what could be, will be, was. Relive old hurts, old joys, wonder where I belong in certain hearts. I can't decide which is worse, the awake or the asleep. At least when I am awake I have the freedom to tell truth from fiction. My dreams don't allow such differentiation. In them I am often convinced of where I am, who I am with. It's not the regrets I relive that hurt the most. It's the dreams when I believe I am back in a happy moment, with the people I miss the most, being loved the way I want to be loved. To wake up and find it was nothing more than a wish...these are the reasons I lie here awake. At least this way I can know when I'm lying to myself....

I've recently discovered that every morning I should look through the notebook I keep by my bed. On more than one occasion I've been surprised to find a new entry that wasn't there before I went to bed. Either I have philosophical elves writing their musings down while I sleep, or in my restless hours I sleepily scribble down thoughts I have no recollection of the next morning. Because I can't remember writing them, I'm trying to decide how I define them. I'm torn between thinking that I'm trying way too hard to be poetic and deep or that I couldn't have possibly been, and considering their birth from a sleepy and well-meaning place, they actually ARE poetic, in a very innocent way. Considering that I usually find "to-do" lists mixed in with them, I'm thinking it may be the latter. Who spills their heart on the same page as their grocery list?

An example of my late-night journal mumblings:

"The thing about your heart is, once you've given part away, you can never get it back. You can grow it back, this isn't to say your heart won't ever be whole again. Just remember that it will take time, and it probably won't look quite the same as it did before. That part you've given is a totally unique bit that now belongs to someone else, so before you give it away, be careful. Make sure they're worthy"