C.S. Lewis said...

... "If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world."

Is that what I'm feeling? Is that what this unrest and burden on my heart is? Am I not truly seeking my eternity? I thought that moving home was a step forward in the Lord's plan for my life, but instead I feel further from being in communion with Him. I don't know how to relate where the Lord was taking me in Orlando to where I am here. I can't start over here because in many ways I have certain foundations already established. But I can't relate to those connections the same ways I once did, and don't necessarily know if I want to. I don't belong in the new communities that define the lives of some of those close to me, but am not sure I have the strength to breakaway and find a new community of my own. Or even what that would begin to look like. Looking at that quote above though, I am so torn. In some ways, it terrifies me. When I consider my discontent to be proportional to my heart's efforts to seek the Lord, I am overwhelmed with how far I am falling short. But it also comforts me, that this aimless wanderlust I feel isn't because I am in the wrong place, but simply the Lord trying to dissatisfy me with anything that is not of Him. If I could truly set aside myself, my pride, my walls, my fears, my insecurities, my plans, my expectations....wouldn't I find the peace I so desperately crave no matter where I am? Would I finally be able to sit and just be? My heart weighs a thousand pounds these days, my worries grow each day...that's not eternity. The Lord has promised that if I am truly in a relationship with Him, it won't be an easy walk, it will still be filled with struggle, but it will be more than worth it as eternity begins to manifest itself here on earth.

I speculate. I wonder. When really I should just pray. Without that there will be no revelations or answers or peace. This crushing weight on my chest will continue to grow as it has been, the lump in my throat will get harder and harder to swallow, the walls around my heart will get more and more impenetrable, the tougher it will be to get out of bed in the mornings. Prayer and the Word. The Word and Prayer. Pray the Word and Word the Prayer.