Insomnia continues...

The past three nights have found me in the exact same mental state as 2 am rolls around.....thinking about Paris. Tonight I indulged it even more by opening my computer and looking through all my pictures from in/around Paris. I could cry I want to be there so badly. I don't know what the city has for me at this point, or what I have to offer it, but the ache to be there is reason enough for me. My mastery of the french language is severely diminished, I no longer hear from "the dream" that was my Parisian pen pal and soul mate, and I don't necessarily desire to work for the same company that took me there the first time around. But to wander the streets of Père Lachaise again, scan the bookshelves at Shakespeare and Company, walk the steps of Montmartre, go to mass at Notre Dame....what I wouldn't give. The idea of a visit isn't enough though, I'd almost rather not. Knowing I only had a short time there, every moment spent would be tainted. I'd start missing it the moment I arrived. I wish it weren't so, but I'm honest enough to admit that it would. That wouldn't be enough to keep me away though. I'm far too much of an emotional masochist not to in some way enjoy the torture. Maybe that's what makes Paris so beautiful to me....it's not mine to keep.