The Christmas season should last all year. The lights, the smells, the good will. The 25th is the day we celebrate the birth of our Lord, but I find the day itself to simply mark the end of the celebration. For me, it is the time leading up to the day that truly draws out the childish awe and wonder that brings me closer to Him. Though I am far from home, I am blessed with the comfort of things that remind me how loved I am.
Let's list some blessings, shall we? Some surprises that the Lord has sent my way to show His love for me. My undeserving and ungrateful heart could use a reminder of just how much I've been given, to remember that even in my darkest hour I am bathed in the love and light of Christ.
A Honeybaked Ham. Yes ladies and gentleman, yesterday as I lounged around watching Friends and eating Chick-fil-A I was surprised by a knock on the door, a shout of "UPS", and lo and behold, a man in brown was standing outside holding a Honeybaked Ham box. 'Twas a gift from my roommate's family. Nothing says Christmas like meat. And as you all know...I love meat.
A Wonderful Schedule. This week has been all Nanny, all the time. And Christmas Eve? I get to carpool, get ready with, and share a breakroom with my roomie. That doesn't happen often, and we're quite excited.
I am Loved. I have no doubts. I know that even though I am not at home for Christmas, there are those who wish I were. The same people who do their best to include me in their lives as best they can. The calls, the messages, the emails. I don't know if they know how much all of it means to me, but it truly does. There are times when it breaks my heart to know some of the things I'm missing out on, the things I'm not apart of, but knowing they'd include me if they could is consolation.
January? I declare that you shall be postponed. 2 more weeks of Christmas!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
To cross a country...
I write to you, my few dear friends, 3 hours ahead of my usual self. 3 hours ahead and 3000 miles east.
Before I could claim myself settled, I first had to get myself here. Monday night, 10 pm, the goodbye's were issued. Pulling out of Vittoria's driveway, I saw the silhouette of my beloved mother grow smaller and smaller, and I finally felt the weight of my decisions. The task ahead of us, 20 hours of straight driving before reaching our first overnight destination, left me with plenty of time to contemplate the changes ahead of me, the decisions behind me. I was offered a beautiful distraction, however, with the arrival of an epic lightning storm ahead of us. For 2 hours we drove through the dark desert, seemingly heading straight into a heavenly battle. The midnight horizon was frequently lit up by the unending storm, gathering it's strength and getting closer and closer. Though we were in awe of it's beauty and humbled by it's size, we were by no means looking forward to driving into it's center. Thankfully, we were blessed enough to have it pass through our path just before we were to reach it.
San Antonio was reached early Tuesday evening, much to our relief. An enjoyable walk through their famed Riverwalk, a quick dinner, and we were ready for bed. We arose bright and early, ready for another full day of driving. We'd already made it through Arizona, New Mexico, and were halfway through Texas. A beautiful sunrise greeted us as we continued to drive through Texas' beautiful half, reaching New Orleans late afternoon. A stroll along the Mississippi, beignets at Cafe du Monde, and a delicious cajun dinner was enough activity for our weary bodies, and another early night was taken.
The next day was a whirlwind of states, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and finally, Florida, my temporary home. We arrived, the lease was signed, and it hit me. In the middle of Publix, the Floridian equivalent to Vons, I called my mother and lost my composure. I had arrived. I had committed myself. There was no going back.
And here we are, a day or so later. After settling in a bit, finding a friend in an old friend of Vittoria's, and getting a bit more comfortable with the area, the little moments of panic are starting to be less frequent. I'll find happiness here, I'm sure. My only fear is regarding my purpose. I hope that my life here, even if it is just for a short while, is built on more than aimlessness. Work will dictate much, I am sure, but I hope to find meaningful friendships outside of work with which to spend my free time with.
I still have Vittoria, for a bit longer than week still. I am so blessed to have her with me. The comfort of her presence makes it all so much easier. I am not looking forward to her departure, but have faith that I've been blessed enough to have her here when I need her most, and will be equipped to continue building a life for myself here once she's gone.
Well friends, when we compare this post with the first few you received upon my arrival to Paris, I am sure you will find my transitioning skills much improved. And I apologize if my language seems a bit odd, I write this while watching BBC's Pride and Prejudice, and fear that their vernacular has been slowly seeping it's way in.
Before I could claim myself settled, I first had to get myself here. Monday night, 10 pm, the goodbye's were issued. Pulling out of Vittoria's driveway, I saw the silhouette of my beloved mother grow smaller and smaller, and I finally felt the weight of my decisions. The task ahead of us, 20 hours of straight driving before reaching our first overnight destination, left me with plenty of time to contemplate the changes ahead of me, the decisions behind me. I was offered a beautiful distraction, however, with the arrival of an epic lightning storm ahead of us. For 2 hours we drove through the dark desert, seemingly heading straight into a heavenly battle. The midnight horizon was frequently lit up by the unending storm, gathering it's strength and getting closer and closer. Though we were in awe of it's beauty and humbled by it's size, we were by no means looking forward to driving into it's center. Thankfully, we were blessed enough to have it pass through our path just before we were to reach it.
San Antonio was reached early Tuesday evening, much to our relief. An enjoyable walk through their famed Riverwalk, a quick dinner, and we were ready for bed. We arose bright and early, ready for another full day of driving. We'd already made it through Arizona, New Mexico, and were halfway through Texas. A beautiful sunrise greeted us as we continued to drive through Texas' beautiful half, reaching New Orleans late afternoon. A stroll along the Mississippi, beignets at Cafe du Monde, and a delicious cajun dinner was enough activity for our weary bodies, and another early night was taken.
The next day was a whirlwind of states, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and finally, Florida, my temporary home. We arrived, the lease was signed, and it hit me. In the middle of Publix, the Floridian equivalent to Vons, I called my mother and lost my composure. I had arrived. I had committed myself. There was no going back.
And here we are, a day or so later. After settling in a bit, finding a friend in an old friend of Vittoria's, and getting a bit more comfortable with the area, the little moments of panic are starting to be less frequent. I'll find happiness here, I'm sure. My only fear is regarding my purpose. I hope that my life here, even if it is just for a short while, is built on more than aimlessness. Work will dictate much, I am sure, but I hope to find meaningful friendships outside of work with which to spend my free time with.
I still have Vittoria, for a bit longer than week still. I am so blessed to have her with me. The comfort of her presence makes it all so much easier. I am not looking forward to her departure, but have faith that I've been blessed enough to have her here when I need her most, and will be equipped to continue building a life for myself here once she's gone.
Well friends, when we compare this post with the first few you received upon my arrival to Paris, I am sure you will find my transitioning skills much improved. And I apologize if my language seems a bit odd, I write this while watching BBC's Pride and Prejudice, and fear that their vernacular has been slowly seeping it's way in.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
God doesn't make deals. I should have known this. I should have realized that when I submitted to His will, there was no promise of what the result of that would be. But instead, I tried to retain some of the control He was desperately trying to get me to sacrifice. Instead, I said yes to His plan, but in the back of my mind I made it my own. I decided I knew where it was going, where it would or wouldn't end.
God doesn't make deals. There is no "Ok Lord, but only as long as blah blah etc etc."
"No regrets." That's a load of poo. Yeah, everybody says it. And I'm sure, years from now, this will reveal itself as some piece of a larger puzzle I've yet to see. But right now, this just sucks. My heart hurts more than I ever thought it could. I thought I knew what heartbreak felt like. I thought the hurt of loss would be the sharpest pain I would ever have to feel. But I've discovered something far worse.
I would rather tear my heart to pieces than do any harm to yours.
Lord, I want to make a new deal. Spare his heart, break mine instead. It's too late for me anyway.
God doesn't make deals. There is no "Ok Lord, but only as long as blah blah etc etc."
"No regrets." That's a load of poo. Yeah, everybody says it. And I'm sure, years from now, this will reveal itself as some piece of a larger puzzle I've yet to see. But right now, this just sucks. My heart hurts more than I ever thought it could. I thought I knew what heartbreak felt like. I thought the hurt of loss would be the sharpest pain I would ever have to feel. But I've discovered something far worse.
I would rather tear my heart to pieces than do any harm to yours.
Lord, I want to make a new deal. Spare his heart, break mine instead. It's too late for me anyway.
Monday, June 7, 2010
...and the livin' is easy
Summer typically marks the time of year when things slow down for people. School is out, vacations are taken, readings lists get completed. I, however, find myself anticipating the opposite (well, I'll probably still include the reading list bit.) Summer has begun and I am finally busy once more. It looks like Sea World will be demanding my presence 4-5 days a week, I'll be hanging out in Point Loma at the camp my best friend is working at, and the return of some of my dear friends from their pursuits of higher education is sure to provide a companion for the hours in between.
Though I wouldn't label it a "vacation," I do get to make a little trip up to the lush state of Washington this week. Clinton is graduating from the Evergreen State University, and I'm heading up to attend. My mom, dad, and sister are already on their way up there, driving up the beautiful western coast, but I'll be flying up a little later. The demands of a job make a leisurely drive an impossibility for me.
Clinton is going to be staying up in Seattle this summer with all of our best friends, an exciting plan for them and one that makes me wish I had the freedom to join them. My little weekend up there is just going to leave me wanting more, I'm sure of it.
I am currently working at the school, one last morning before summer break officially sets in here, and am sitting here in my Sea World uniform because I'm heading there in a bit. My favorite little boy with a precious speech impediment just came in, Tommy, looked at my name tag and said, "Emily, there's a Sea World thing on your shirt." His voice was filled with concern and confusion, the same tone he may have used to tell me I had my shirt on backwards or a spider on my shoulder. "I know Tommy, that's because I work there," I replied. His only reaction to my response was to cock his head to one side and slowly back out of my office and down the hallway, keeping his eyes on my name tag the entire time, as if he were expecting it to jump off my shirt and attach itself to his.
Though I wouldn't label it a "vacation," I do get to make a little trip up to the lush state of Washington this week. Clinton is graduating from the Evergreen State University, and I'm heading up to attend. My mom, dad, and sister are already on their way up there, driving up the beautiful western coast, but I'll be flying up a little later. The demands of a job make a leisurely drive an impossibility for me.
Clinton is going to be staying up in Seattle this summer with all of our best friends, an exciting plan for them and one that makes me wish I had the freedom to join them. My little weekend up there is just going to leave me wanting more, I'm sure of it.
I am currently working at the school, one last morning before summer break officially sets in here, and am sitting here in my Sea World uniform because I'm heading there in a bit. My favorite little boy with a precious speech impediment just came in, Tommy, looked at my name tag and said, "Emily, there's a Sea World thing on your shirt." His voice was filled with concern and confusion, the same tone he may have used to tell me I had my shirt on backwards or a spider on my shoulder. "I know Tommy, that's because I work there," I replied. His only reaction to my response was to cock his head to one side and slowly back out of my office and down the hallway, keeping his eyes on my name tag the entire time, as if he were expecting it to jump off my shirt and attach itself to his.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Welcome to Funky Town
I watch too many movies. The reality of my life isn't nearly as interesting. It's not romantic, magical, or adventurous. So what do I do? Watch more movies. It's a vicious masochistic circle.
Currently the only thing I can think of to get me out of this funk I'm in is to hop on a plane to Ireland and wander the countryside. That or wait around for my Hogwarts letter. I'm starting to hope that in reality Hogwarts is some sort of grad school open to those 21+ and my owl is on it's way.
Then again, when I do find myself in romantic, magical, or adventurous (ok, maybe I haven't had many magical opportunities as of yet) situations, they're not all they're cracked up to be. Maybe I should keep it simple, leave the big dreams to the filmmakers, and enjoy the simple pleasures of just being little ol' me.
That's not to say I couldn't be little ol' me in Ireland....
Currently the only thing I can think of to get me out of this funk I'm in is to hop on a plane to Ireland and wander the countryside. That or wait around for my Hogwarts letter. I'm starting to hope that in reality Hogwarts is some sort of grad school open to those 21+ and my owl is on it's way.
Then again, when I do find myself in romantic, magical, or adventurous (ok, maybe I haven't had many magical opportunities as of yet) situations, they're not all they're cracked up to be. Maybe I should keep it simple, leave the big dreams to the filmmakers, and enjoy the simple pleasures of just being little ol' me.
That's not to say I couldn't be little ol' me in Ireland....
Thursday, April 22, 2010
New Developments in the life of Emily:
She has watched so many episodes of Blues Clues with her cousin Scotland that she has developed a serious crush on Steve, knows which episodes are her favorites, and hates Joe with a passion.
"I got cabin fever it's burning in my brain
I've got cabin fever it's driving me insane"
She's beginning to wonder how long it will be before the excuse that she's "transitioning" no longer applies. She's also wondering how long it will be before she stops feeling or acting in a way that requires an excuse.
She's getting fat. That may have to do with the fact that she has had no physical activity in months.
She may have decided on an academic path. Hello Theology, Emily doesn't know what she would do with a degree in you, but she doesn't really care about that. USD, would you take her? Could she ever afford you?
She really wants to stop getting on facebook. That way, she won't have to hear about how much fun they're all having, how quickly they're falling for each other, or how lame her life is in comparison to theirs.
She is amazed at how she can both dread her return to Sea World and anticipate it eagerly.
She has started reading The Hobbit but wonders if she'd rather cover C.S. Lewis first. Lewis THAN Tolkien? Tolkien, Lewis, Tolkien, Lewis...?
She's shorter than Rebekah.
Just to have something to do, she and her best friend have decided to start making their wedding portfolios. This is the sort of girly thing Emily has never given much thought to. This is how desperate she is for diversion.
"I got cabin fever it's burning in my brain
I've got cabin fever it's driving me insane"
She's beginning to wonder how long it will be before the excuse that she's "transitioning" no longer applies. She's also wondering how long it will be before she stops feeling or acting in a way that requires an excuse.
She's getting fat. That may have to do with the fact that she has had no physical activity in months.
She may have decided on an academic path. Hello Theology, Emily doesn't know what she would do with a degree in you, but she doesn't really care about that. USD, would you take her? Could she ever afford you?
She really wants to stop getting on facebook. That way, she won't have to hear about how much fun they're all having, how quickly they're falling for each other, or how lame her life is in comparison to theirs.
She is amazed at how she can both dread her return to Sea World and anticipate it eagerly.
She has started reading The Hobbit but wonders if she'd rather cover C.S. Lewis first. Lewis THAN Tolkien? Tolkien, Lewis, Tolkien, Lewis...?
She's shorter than Rebekah.
Just to have something to do, she and her best friend have decided to start making their wedding portfolios. This is the sort of girly thing Emily has never given much thought to. This is how desperate she is for diversion.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Prepare Yourself
The walls are bare. The shelves are empty. The tree is down. Only the fort still remains, a reminder that I still have a few memories to create before leaving.
It's been amazing.
From the depths of despair to the heights of friendship and love I have now reached, every second has been worth so much.
I did it.
Time to leave it behind. That's wrong. I'm not leaving it behind. It'll come with me. It's just time to move forward.
It's been amazing.
From the depths of despair to the heights of friendship and love I have now reached, every second has been worth so much.
I did it.
Time to leave it behind. That's wrong. I'm not leaving it behind. It'll come with me. It's just time to move forward.
Friday, January 1, 2010
My last day in 2009 was spent in Holland. Though I was completely surrounded by the most foreign of all languages, I totally felt like part of the family. Best of all, I said goodbye to 2009 with the person who helped make it so memorable. We ate lots of oliebollen , we went "ski blading", we played games, we lit fireworks, we hugged, we cried, and we planned.
My first day in 2010 was spent in Holland. A bike ride around the neighorhood, a visit to Oma's, looking at photo albums, the day was one big wave of nostalgia for my dear friend, and I was along for the ride. Now, back in France, we face the reality of saying goodbye one week from now.
Hello 2010. Please be kind.
My first day in 2010 was spent in Holland. A bike ride around the neighorhood, a visit to Oma's, looking at photo albums, the day was one big wave of nostalgia for my dear friend, and I was along for the ride. Now, back in France, we face the reality of saying goodbye one week from now.
Hello 2010. Please be kind.
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