As I drove home tonight through a very dense fog, watching the world pass dreamily by as I got closer and closer to home, I was vaguely reminded of my second ever blog post. Revisiting it I am amazed how some of the same thoughts about the fog passed through my mind now, over 4 years later. It's nice to know that some things don't have to change...
"National City is covered in a thick fog. Driving home from my very
first bachelorette party, I couldn't help but find my city appealing.
Normally a den of sex offenders and drug dealers, the streets looked
relatively peaceful and inviting. This isn't surprising considering the
fact that fog makes everything dreamy. One of the best things were the
distinctive beams of light coming from the front of my car. The first
image that came to mind as I drove home was that there were two large
white lightsabers attached to the front of my car. As I turned a corner
and my lights passed over a couple making out (normally skanky, tonight,
thanks to the fog, romantic) I imagined they were chopped in half by my
sabers. Right through the waist.
Then
the fog took my imagination down a different path. Suddenly, the idea
of going for a jog was very appealing. Now, I'm not dim enough to think a
jog through National City at 12:30 am is a good idea. But maybe, I
thought, getting up just before sunrise, driving somewhere joggable like
a beach or park, it might still be foggy and I could go for a run then.
I found myself imagining that as a daily occurence, practically
planning on it. I don't like running. I don't like getting up early.
And I especially don't like doing those things when there is potential
that I will have to do them at an hour when it is still dark and cold.
But even now, as I type this and the reality sinks in, it still sounds
appealing. I've come to realize that fog is a magical thing. Don't
underestimate it's ability to alter your state of mind. Possibly even
your whole world. And have fun chopping things in half with your
lightsabers."
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Sunday, October 28, 2012
C.S. Lewis said...
... "If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the
only logical explanation is that I was made for another world."
Is that what I'm feeling? Is that what this unrest and burden on my heart is? Am I not truly seeking my eternity? I thought that moving home was a step forward in the Lord's plan for my life, but instead I feel further from being in communion with Him. I don't know how to relate where the Lord was taking me in Orlando to where I am here. I can't start over here because in many ways I have certain foundations already established. But I can't relate to those connections the same ways I once did, and don't necessarily know if I want to. I don't belong in the new communities that define the lives of some of those close to me, but am not sure I have the strength to breakaway and find a new community of my own. Or even what that would begin to look like. Looking at that quote above though, I am so torn. In some ways, it terrifies me. When I consider my discontent to be proportional to my heart's efforts to seek the Lord, I am overwhelmed with how far I am falling short. But it also comforts me, that this aimless wanderlust I feel isn't because I am in the wrong place, but simply the Lord trying to dissatisfy me with anything that is not of Him. If I could truly set aside myself, my pride, my walls, my fears, my insecurities, my plans, my expectations....wouldn't I find the peace I so desperately crave no matter where I am? Would I finally be able to sit and just be? My heart weighs a thousand pounds these days, my worries grow each day...that's not eternity. The Lord has promised that if I am truly in a relationship with Him, it won't be an easy walk, it will still be filled with struggle, but it will be more than worth it as eternity begins to manifest itself here on earth.
I speculate. I wonder. When really I should just pray. Without that there will be no revelations or answers or peace. This crushing weight on my chest will continue to grow as it has been, the lump in my throat will get harder and harder to swallow, the walls around my heart will get more and more impenetrable, the tougher it will be to get out of bed in the mornings. Prayer and the Word. The Word and Prayer. Pray the Word and Word the Prayer.
Is that what I'm feeling? Is that what this unrest and burden on my heart is? Am I not truly seeking my eternity? I thought that moving home was a step forward in the Lord's plan for my life, but instead I feel further from being in communion with Him. I don't know how to relate where the Lord was taking me in Orlando to where I am here. I can't start over here because in many ways I have certain foundations already established. But I can't relate to those connections the same ways I once did, and don't necessarily know if I want to. I don't belong in the new communities that define the lives of some of those close to me, but am not sure I have the strength to breakaway and find a new community of my own. Or even what that would begin to look like. Looking at that quote above though, I am so torn. In some ways, it terrifies me. When I consider my discontent to be proportional to my heart's efforts to seek the Lord, I am overwhelmed with how far I am falling short. But it also comforts me, that this aimless wanderlust I feel isn't because I am in the wrong place, but simply the Lord trying to dissatisfy me with anything that is not of Him. If I could truly set aside myself, my pride, my walls, my fears, my insecurities, my plans, my expectations....wouldn't I find the peace I so desperately crave no matter where I am? Would I finally be able to sit and just be? My heart weighs a thousand pounds these days, my worries grow each day...that's not eternity. The Lord has promised that if I am truly in a relationship with Him, it won't be an easy walk, it will still be filled with struggle, but it will be more than worth it as eternity begins to manifest itself here on earth.
I speculate. I wonder. When really I should just pray. Without that there will be no revelations or answers or peace. This crushing weight on my chest will continue to grow as it has been, the lump in my throat will get harder and harder to swallow, the walls around my heart will get more and more impenetrable, the tougher it will be to get out of bed in the mornings. Prayer and the Word. The Word and Prayer. Pray the Word and Word the Prayer.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Insomnia continues...
The past three nights have found me in the exact same mental state as 2 am rolls around.....thinking about Paris. Tonight I indulged it even more by opening my computer and looking through all my pictures from in/around Paris. I could cry I want to be there so badly. I don't know what the city has for me at this point, or what I have to offer it, but the ache to be there is reason enough for me. My mastery of the french language is severely diminished, I no longer hear from "the dream" that was my Parisian pen pal and soul mate, and I don't necessarily desire to work for the same company that took me there the first time around. But to wander the streets of Père Lachaise again, scan the bookshelves at Shakespeare and Company, walk the steps of Montmartre, go to mass at Notre Dame....what I wouldn't give. The idea of a visit isn't enough though, I'd almost rather not. Knowing I only had a short time there, every moment spent would be tainted. I'd start missing it the moment I arrived. I wish it weren't so, but I'm honest enough to admit that it would. That wouldn't be enough to keep me away though. I'm far too much of an emotional masochist not to in some way enjoy the torture. Maybe that's what makes Paris so beautiful to me....it's not mine to keep.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Into the West
I can't sleep. At night. I could sleep all day though, which I know is both a symptom and a cause. It's just that the minute I lay down, my thoughts go into overdrive. What ifs, what could be, will be, was. Relive old hurts, old joys, wonder where I belong in certain hearts. I can't decide which is worse, the awake or the asleep. At least when I am awake I have the freedom to tell truth from fiction. My dreams don't allow such differentiation. In them I am often convinced of where I am, who I am with. It's not the regrets I relive that hurt the most. It's the dreams when I believe I am back in a happy moment, with the people I miss the most, being loved the way I want to be loved. To wake up and find it was nothing more than a wish...these are the reasons I lie here awake. At least this way I can know when I'm lying to myself....
I've recently discovered that every morning I should look through the notebook I keep by my bed. On more than one occasion I've been surprised to find a new entry that wasn't there before I went to bed. Either I have philosophical elves writing their musings down while I sleep, or in my restless hours I sleepily scribble down thoughts I have no recollection of the next morning. Because I can't remember writing them, I'm trying to decide how I define them. I'm torn between thinking that I'm trying way too hard to be poetic and deep or that I couldn't have possibly been, and considering their birth from a sleepy and well-meaning place, they actually ARE poetic, in a very innocent way. Considering that I usually find "to-do" lists mixed in with them, I'm thinking it may be the latter. Who spills their heart on the same page as their grocery list?
An example of my late-night journal mumblings:
"The thing about your heart is, once you've given part away, you can never get it back. You can grow it back, this isn't to say your heart won't ever be whole again. Just remember that it will take time, and it probably won't look quite the same as it did before. That part you've given is a totally unique bit that now belongs to someone else, so before you give it away, be careful. Make sure they're worthy"
I've recently discovered that every morning I should look through the notebook I keep by my bed. On more than one occasion I've been surprised to find a new entry that wasn't there before I went to bed. Either I have philosophical elves writing their musings down while I sleep, or in my restless hours I sleepily scribble down thoughts I have no recollection of the next morning. Because I can't remember writing them, I'm trying to decide how I define them. I'm torn between thinking that I'm trying way too hard to be poetic and deep or that I couldn't have possibly been, and considering their birth from a sleepy and well-meaning place, they actually ARE poetic, in a very innocent way. Considering that I usually find "to-do" lists mixed in with them, I'm thinking it may be the latter. Who spills their heart on the same page as their grocery list?
An example of my late-night journal mumblings:
"The thing about your heart is, once you've given part away, you can never get it back. You can grow it back, this isn't to say your heart won't ever be whole again. Just remember that it will take time, and it probably won't look quite the same as it did before. That part you've given is a totally unique bit that now belongs to someone else, so before you give it away, be careful. Make sure they're worthy"
Saturday, March 31, 2012
"Time flies..."
...you know the rest.
Tonight has been a really good night for retrospection. A candlelit bath time really provides ample opportunity to look backwards as well as forwards, marvel at what has been, what is, and what may be to come.
I'm not quite sure exactly how I've gotten where I am today. To be completely honest, it's not the best place. Or rather, it's not what I expected but I sense I'm in that all important moment where I'm choosing what to make of where I've landed. I've lost some things, yes. Mostly just a few dreams I've had to let go of. But the important things (though at times I may lose sight of them), they will always be there. It's just a matter of setting my eyes upon them.
I've also been given unexpected gifts. That happens every day, I am the daughter of a very generous God, but these gifts I'm speaking of are the kind that were not only unexpected, but so new and foreign to me I don't know what to do with them. It's easy to look at these new things and allow myself to place them in the "new and scary; let's not" category, but I'm working to move forward despite that.
Moving forward. The ever daunting task. This is the hardest of all. Looking back, though not always pleasant, is familiar. Looking forward, however, is so unknown it's often easier to avoid completely. Are there signs here leading my way? Do I just need to properly interpret them? Or I am meant to make this decision on my own, in faith that wherever I go the Lord will be there to make use of me where I land? When I think of some of the desires I had that now seem to be unfeasible vs. the things around me I could potentially choose to pursue that I never planned, I'm left completely at a loss. When life can change so quickly, how can I be expected to decide now what I'll be doing later?
I'm starting to understand Joni Mitchell's "Both sides now," far more than I ever have.
Tonight has been a really good night for retrospection. A candlelit bath time really provides ample opportunity to look backwards as well as forwards, marvel at what has been, what is, and what may be to come.
I'm not quite sure exactly how I've gotten where I am today. To be completely honest, it's not the best place. Or rather, it's not what I expected but I sense I'm in that all important moment where I'm choosing what to make of where I've landed. I've lost some things, yes. Mostly just a few dreams I've had to let go of. But the important things (though at times I may lose sight of them), they will always be there. It's just a matter of setting my eyes upon them.
I've also been given unexpected gifts. That happens every day, I am the daughter of a very generous God, but these gifts I'm speaking of are the kind that were not only unexpected, but so new and foreign to me I don't know what to do with them. It's easy to look at these new things and allow myself to place them in the "new and scary; let's not" category, but I'm working to move forward despite that.
Moving forward. The ever daunting task. This is the hardest of all. Looking back, though not always pleasant, is familiar. Looking forward, however, is so unknown it's often easier to avoid completely. Are there signs here leading my way? Do I just need to properly interpret them? Or I am meant to make this decision on my own, in faith that wherever I go the Lord will be there to make use of me where I land? When I think of some of the desires I had that now seem to be unfeasible vs. the things around me I could potentially choose to pursue that I never planned, I'm left completely at a loss. When life can change so quickly, how can I be expected to decide now what I'll be doing later?
I'm starting to understand Joni Mitchell's "Both sides now," far more than I ever have.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
"The end of summer's here and I'm so glad it's over..."
...Gregory Page, I couldn't have said it better myself.
Florida isn't completely on board with me as far as the "end of summer" is concerned. YET. But I sense it's coming. Cooler weather is meant to be upon us soon. Mind you, it will still be far hotter than October in most places, but any improvement is welcome. I dream of wearing scarves and boots and sweaters. Considering the fact that this is what my wardrobe is mostly composed of, it's been an interesting and rather repetitive summer fashion-wise.
It's only just become Fall, but I already find my thoughts wandering ahead to Christmas. No surprise there. I'm going to be lucky enough to get to spend a week of December in Seattle, experiencing what I hope is proper winter weather. I only wish I had the funds/time to also make a trip to Paris. The thought of my favorite city all lit up to celebrate my favorite time of year is too much to handle sometimes, knowing it will all be there, yet I won't. I just have to have faith that it wouldn't be such a strong desire of my heart if I wasn't meant to find myself there again. I'll just keep working hard so when the time is right, I'll be ready.
For now, I shall enjoy my Autumn. Pumpkins, costumes, etc. The days for coats and Bing Crosby will be here soon enough.
What has the life of little ol' me entailed these past few months? It's been a blur. A fast-moving sequence of blessings and growth with the Lord that blows my mind when I stop and see it all. I never thought the reason I'd been brought out here was to have my self laid out in front of me for examination and restoration. By no means is He finished with me, the work has only just begun. It's not easy stuff either, but the more I learn about what the Lord really wants for me, to have, to be, the more inspired I am not to settle for anything less.
"The wind blows through the trees, it sounds so good to me.
The end of summer's here and I'm so glad it's over.
Bullfrogs sing their song, crickets hum along.
The end of summer's here and I'm so glad it's over.
Rest in peace tonight under the pale moonlight.
The end of summer's here..."
Florida isn't completely on board with me as far as the "end of summer" is concerned. YET. But I sense it's coming. Cooler weather is meant to be upon us soon. Mind you, it will still be far hotter than October in most places, but any improvement is welcome. I dream of wearing scarves and boots and sweaters. Considering the fact that this is what my wardrobe is mostly composed of, it's been an interesting and rather repetitive summer fashion-wise.
It's only just become Fall, but I already find my thoughts wandering ahead to Christmas. No surprise there. I'm going to be lucky enough to get to spend a week of December in Seattle, experiencing what I hope is proper winter weather. I only wish I had the funds/time to also make a trip to Paris. The thought of my favorite city all lit up to celebrate my favorite time of year is too much to handle sometimes, knowing it will all be there, yet I won't. I just have to have faith that it wouldn't be such a strong desire of my heart if I wasn't meant to find myself there again. I'll just keep working hard so when the time is right, I'll be ready.
For now, I shall enjoy my Autumn. Pumpkins, costumes, etc. The days for coats and Bing Crosby will be here soon enough.
What has the life of little ol' me entailed these past few months? It's been a blur. A fast-moving sequence of blessings and growth with the Lord that blows my mind when I stop and see it all. I never thought the reason I'd been brought out here was to have my self laid out in front of me for examination and restoration. By no means is He finished with me, the work has only just begun. It's not easy stuff either, but the more I learn about what the Lord really wants for me, to have, to be, the more inspired I am not to settle for anything less.
"The wind blows through the trees, it sounds so good to me.
The end of summer's here and I'm so glad it's over.
Bullfrogs sing their song, crickets hum along.
The end of summer's here and I'm so glad it's over.
Rest in peace tonight under the pale moonlight.
The end of summer's here..."
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Bah Humbug to the New Year
The Christmas season should last all year. The lights, the smells, the good will. The 25th is the day we celebrate the birth of our Lord, but I find the day itself to simply mark the end of the celebration. For me, it is the time leading up to the day that truly draws out the childish awe and wonder that brings me closer to Him. Though I am far from home, I am blessed with the comfort of things that remind me how loved I am.
Let's list some blessings, shall we? Some surprises that the Lord has sent my way to show His love for me. My undeserving and ungrateful heart could use a reminder of just how much I've been given, to remember that even in my darkest hour I am bathed in the love and light of Christ.
A Honeybaked Ham. Yes ladies and gentleman, yesterday as I lounged around watching Friends and eating Chick-fil-A I was surprised by a knock on the door, a shout of "UPS", and lo and behold, a man in brown was standing outside holding a Honeybaked Ham box. 'Twas a gift from my roommate's family. Nothing says Christmas like meat. And as you all know...I love meat.
A Wonderful Schedule. This week has been all Nanny, all the time. And Christmas Eve? I get to carpool, get ready with, and share a breakroom with my roomie. That doesn't happen often, and we're quite excited.
I am Loved. I have no doubts. I know that even though I am not at home for Christmas, there are those who wish I were. The same people who do their best to include me in their lives as best they can. The calls, the messages, the emails. I don't know if they know how much all of it means to me, but it truly does. There are times when it breaks my heart to know some of the things I'm missing out on, the things I'm not apart of, but knowing they'd include me if they could is consolation.
January? I declare that you shall be postponed. 2 more weeks of Christmas!
Let's list some blessings, shall we? Some surprises that the Lord has sent my way to show His love for me. My undeserving and ungrateful heart could use a reminder of just how much I've been given, to remember that even in my darkest hour I am bathed in the love and light of Christ.
A Honeybaked Ham. Yes ladies and gentleman, yesterday as I lounged around watching Friends and eating Chick-fil-A I was surprised by a knock on the door, a shout of "UPS", and lo and behold, a man in brown was standing outside holding a Honeybaked Ham box. 'Twas a gift from my roommate's family. Nothing says Christmas like meat. And as you all know...I love meat.
A Wonderful Schedule. This week has been all Nanny, all the time. And Christmas Eve? I get to carpool, get ready with, and share a breakroom with my roomie. That doesn't happen often, and we're quite excited.
I am Loved. I have no doubts. I know that even though I am not at home for Christmas, there are those who wish I were. The same people who do their best to include me in their lives as best they can. The calls, the messages, the emails. I don't know if they know how much all of it means to me, but it truly does. There are times when it breaks my heart to know some of the things I'm missing out on, the things I'm not apart of, but knowing they'd include me if they could is consolation.
January? I declare that you shall be postponed. 2 more weeks of Christmas!
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