God doesn't make deals. I should have known this. I should have realized that when I submitted to His will, there was no promise of what the result of that would be. But instead, I tried to retain some of the control He was desperately trying to get me to sacrifice. Instead, I said yes to His plan, but in the back of my mind I made it my own. I decided I knew where it was going, where it would or wouldn't end.
God doesn't make deals. There is no "Ok Lord, but only as long as blah blah etc etc."

"No regrets." That's a load of poo. Yeah, everybody says it. And I'm sure, years from now, this will reveal itself as some piece of a larger puzzle I've yet to see. But right now, this just sucks. My heart hurts more than I ever thought it could. I thought I knew what heartbreak felt like. I thought the hurt of loss would be the sharpest pain I would ever have to feel. But I've discovered something far worse.

I would rather tear my heart to pieces than do any harm to yours.

Lord, I want to make a new deal. Spare his heart, break mine instead. It's too late for me anyway.

...and the livin' is easy

Summer typically marks the time of year when things slow down for people. School is out, vacations are taken, readings lists get completed. I, however, find myself anticipating the opposite (well, I'll probably still include the reading list bit.) Summer has begun and I am finally busy once more. It looks like Sea World will be demanding my presence 4-5 days a week, I'll be hanging out in Point Loma at the camp my best friend is working at, and the return of some of my dear friends from their pursuits of higher education is sure to provide a companion for the hours in between.

Though I wouldn't label it a "vacation," I do get to make a little trip up to the lush state of Washington this week. Clinton is graduating from the Evergreen State University, and I'm heading up to attend. My mom, dad, and sister are already on their way up there, driving up the beautiful western coast, but I'll be flying up a little later. The demands of a job make a leisurely drive an impossibility for me.
Clinton is going to be staying up in Seattle this summer with all of our best friends, an exciting plan for them and one that makes me wish I had the freedom to join them. My little weekend up there is just going to leave me wanting more, I'm sure of it.

I am currently working at the school, one last morning before summer break officially sets in here, and am sitting here in my Sea World uniform because I'm heading there in a bit. My favorite little boy with a precious speech impediment just came in, Tommy, looked at my name tag and said, "Emily, there's a Sea World thing on your shirt." His voice was filled with concern and confusion, the same tone he may have used to tell me I had my shirt on backwards or a spider on my shoulder. "I know Tommy, that's because I work there," I replied. His only reaction to my response was to cock his head to one side and slowly back out of my office and down the hallway, keeping his eyes on my name tag the entire time, as if he were expecting it to jump off my shirt and attach itself to his.

Welcome to Funky Town

I watch too many movies. The reality of my life isn't nearly as interesting. It's not romantic, magical, or adventurous. So what do I do? Watch more movies. It's a vicious masochistic circle.
Currently the only thing I can think of to get me out of this funk I'm in is to hop on a plane to Ireland and wander the countryside. That or wait around for my Hogwarts letter. I'm starting to hope that in reality Hogwarts is some sort of grad school open to those 21+ and my owl is on it's way.

Then again, when I do find myself in romantic, magical, or adventurous (ok, maybe I haven't had many magical opportunities as of yet) situations, they're not all they're cracked up to be. Maybe I should keep it simple, leave the big dreams to the filmmakers, and enjoy the simple pleasures of just being little ol' me.

That's not to say I couldn't be little ol' me in Ireland....

New Developments in the life of Emily:

She has watched so many episodes of Blues Clues with her cousin Scotland that she has developed a serious crush on Steve, knows which episodes are her favorites, and hates Joe with a passion.

"I got cabin fever it's burning in my brain
I've got cabin fever it's driving me insane"

She's beginning to wonder how long it will be before the excuse that she's "transitioning" no longer applies. She's also wondering how long it will be before she stops feeling or acting in a way that requires an excuse.

She's getting fat. That may have to do with the fact that she has had no physical activity in months.

She may have decided on an academic path. Hello Theology, Emily doesn't know what she would do with a degree in you, but she doesn't really care about that. USD, would you take her? Could she ever afford you?

She really wants to stop getting on facebook. That way, she won't have to hear about how much fun they're all having, how quickly they're falling for each other, or how lame her life is in comparison to theirs.

She is amazed at how she can both dread her return to Sea World and anticipate it eagerly.

She has started reading The Hobbit but wonders if she'd rather cover C.S. Lewis first. Lewis THAN Tolkien? Tolkien, Lewis, Tolkien, Lewis...?

She's shorter than Rebekah.

Just to have something to do, she and her best friend have decided to start making their wedding portfolios. This is the sort of girly thing Emily has never given much thought to. This is how desperate she is for diversion.

Limbo - an intermediate or transitional place or state; a state of uncertainty.

Prepare Yourself

The walls are bare. The shelves are empty. The tree is down. Only the fort still remains, a reminder that I still have a few memories to create before leaving.
It's been amazing.
From the depths of despair to the heights of friendship and love I have now reached, every second has been worth so much.
I did it.
Time to leave it behind. That's wrong. I'm not leaving it behind. It'll come with me. It's just time to move forward.

My last day in 2009 was spent in Holland. Though I was completely surrounded by the most foreign of all languages, I totally felt like part of the family. Best of all, I said goodbye to 2009 with the person who helped make it so memorable. We ate lots of oliebollen , we went "ski blading", we played games, we lit fireworks, we hugged, we cried, and we planned.

My first day in 2010 was spent in Holland. A bike ride around the neighorhood, a visit to Oma's, looking at photo albums, the day was one big wave of nostalgia for my dear friend, and I was along for the ride. Now, back in France, we face the reality of saying goodbye one week from now.

Hello 2010. Please be kind.