Tonight I am tired. No, no, not sleepy. God forbid I lay my head on the pillow and peacefully drift off at a reasonable hour. It's been ages since I can remember that happening. No, this is an exhaustion of a completely different kind. The kind that comes from a circumstance or moment revealing a pattern in yourself you've never fully seen before. Not the good kind of pattern you'd find on your favorite pair of bold printed palazzo pants, but the kind of pattern you cringe at and tuck away in the back of your closet hoping to never see again.
What's most tiring is the fact that it's MY pattern. Taken as individual events these things could be seen as unfair. Unjust. Hurtful. But as a combined unit, they're not things that have happened TO me. Rather they are habits I've acquired and fallen into despite possessing the knowledge things would most likely end as they have now. Relational habits. The Worst Sort. Rather than re-play the conversations I shoulda, coulda, woulda had in my head a million times over - I come here. To this haven of internet safety, obscure enough that no one of consequence (no offense) will see but with a finality that only hitting the "publish" button and sending my musings somewhere can bring.
What is this pattern you may ask? Friendship. Nothing wrong with friendship!! But using friendship as a shield to keep people at an arm's length is. Time and time again, I see now, I have let men in my life fill a void that wasn't theirs to fill. I'm a very rational person. I've found that rational people can talk themselves out of relationships EVERY TIME. There is always some reason to be found to prove it's inadvisable. So I avoid the confrontation which I'm sure will only result in "it would never work" by making sure it's known that friendship is the only thing on the table. The problem is, "the table" doesn't take into account emotions and feelings and attachment. Neither do I usually, until it's too late (Joni Mitchell knows what she is talking about). So I become accustomed to these friendships which are emotionally more involved but never ask for or give the true commitment they deserve. I constantly revisit those "rational reasons" and deflect curiosity with pre-rehearsed excuses. Until it's gone. The thing I seem to forget is that it will ALWAYS end up gone. The reason I am drawn to these relationships is because these are quality people. Men of moral fiber, great humor, and a hundred other attractive qualities. Men like these do not stay single for very long. They do not spend their lives in a half-fulfilling friendship with one woman when there are emotionally healthier women lining up at their door. When that day comes, yes, our "friendship" still stands. But it must be totally re-defined. Understandably. Obviously. Good for him! He's got a new gal whose texts he can look forward to, who will come over and make pancakes for dinner, who will get to laugh at the ridiculous and scoff at the unjust alongside him. Except this one will hold his hand, kiss him goodnight, and be entitled to be the girl always at his side.
The problem with patterns is, when you finally see them, the sting of the most recent re-occurrence is colored by all those that came before. Once again, I'm lying here feeling left-behind. Not just by this one person, but by many. It's never been the other way round. I've yet to be brave enough to CHOOSE someone. To stop searching for the reasons it won't work. As such, when these moments come, it's never my moment to be made. Instead I always seem to be the last to know. This may sting the most. I've never been told, "hey, I'm kind of talking to this girl so if you don't hear from me as much, that's probably why." Instead I'm left to wonder why my texts have gone unresponded, why I'm sending twice as many snapchats, why I'm feeling disconnected and out of touch. When I finally do find out it's because somebody else says something or, the worst, the facebook picture that makes it all fall into place. In that moment, today, the pattern became crystal clear. In that moment, I felt like a fool. I looked at myself from the outside and felt sorry for the girl who couldn't catch the hint. My pride was so injured, this friendship went from something I counted on daily to something I was embarrassed by. How could I have been so stupid? What did I think was going to happen/happening?
I am not saying that this was the man I was meant to be in a relationship with. The pattern is not even about being "left behind.." Tonight I am tired of not letting myself take risks. To acknowledge an emotional intimacy and call it for what it is. Pursue it or not - but not let it masquerade as something it isn't. If there are reasons it cannot work, be brave enough to speak them. If there are fears, be brave enough to share them. I think of all the things I could have said, all the opportunities to be truly open that I passed up, and I'm ashamed. What sort of friendship could it have been if I didn't care enough to not only talk about my feelings, but be willing to listen to his? I think of all the times I deflected the conversation when I felt it going down a road I was too scared to explore. How hurtful that must have been. It's too late to apologize, maybe someday if life brings us a chance to be open with each other again I'll have my chance. I can forgive myself, however, and do everything in my power to end this pattern here. Instead of letting the weight of the "what if?" hang over my head I can choose to focus on the "what now?" How do I move forward to avoid being in this place again? The hard thing to accept is that, ultimately, it will be lonely. I will feel the lack of this person, this role being filled in my life. It seems silly to mourn a relationship I haven't "technically" lost but I'm afraid this is the only kind of break-up I've ever really known, so I think I'm entitled to be slightly dramatic. Especially if the sadness can lead to a better understanding of myself. I do understand, I see now, that I've been trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
The funny part is, I don't really believe in that round hole. I am a complete person, as a single unit, because I am a child of a very loving God. His gift of grace is not contingent on me finding a husband. If I sought His favor and glory rather than looked to someone here to validate my worth, I might be fast asleep without any of this heaviness of heart right now. In His mercy however, He allows me to stumble and fall. It's possible that someday I may find myself in a relationship, sharing my life with another person. It's also possible that isn't what's meant for me. The stumbles I've had so far have taught me that the one thing I don't get is to have it halfway. The reason it ends this way is because God Himself does not love in halves, and any relationship here on earth should reflect His love for us. If I have a guy friend and TRULY loved Him with the heart of Christ, I would speak honestly to him and either hold him at the distance of a friend or move forward with him as more.
Easier said than done. My hope is that, having formulated my thoughts and confronted this pattern, I can avoid it in the future. Spot it when I start to slip. Choose to be brave instead.
But most of all, I hope I can fall asleep.
