God doesn't make deals. I should have known this. I should have realized that when I submitted to His will, there was no promise of what the result of that would be. But instead, I tried to retain some of the control He was desperately trying to get me to sacrifice. Instead, I said yes to His plan, but in the back of my mind I made it my own. I decided I knew where it was going, where it would or wouldn't end.
God doesn't make deals. There is no "Ok Lord, but only as long as blah blah etc etc."

"No regrets." That's a load of poo. Yeah, everybody says it. And I'm sure, years from now, this will reveal itself as some piece of a larger puzzle I've yet to see. But right now, this just sucks. My heart hurts more than I ever thought it could. I thought I knew what heartbreak felt like. I thought the hurt of loss would be the sharpest pain I would ever have to feel. But I've discovered something far worse.

I would rather tear my heart to pieces than do any harm to yours.

Lord, I want to make a new deal. Spare his heart, break mine instead. It's too late for me anyway.